I am admittedly a feminist. It started as a tongue in cheek willingness to admit that I believed that women should earn the same money for the same job; that something was definitely wrong when studies can be published stating that girls on average in the US have GPA’s in math and science that outperform boys in grades 9-12, however if they are told that boys are naturally better at math and then given a test, they score lower on tests than their male classmates, and when they are told that boys and girls can be equally good at math, there is no noticeable gender difference in scores; that the church should definitely stop teaching young girls in youth ministries that they have to wear a nonwhite t-shirt over their swim suits to prevent the boys in the group from stumbling while simultaneously forgetting to teach that those same boys should grow into men with self-control and the ability to look away when something presents itself in front of them that they shouldn’t be or don’t want to be looking at; that victim blaming in sexual assault cases is always ridiculous; that a girl cannot ever be “asking for it” based on her clothing…because I had to admit that I believed all of these things, I had to admit that I was a feminist.
And the moment I tried to talk about it, I was met with remarks like “Well, you aren’t really a feminist. I don’t see you burning your bra or throwing out your razor” or “A feminist? Really? Don’t you like make-up too much to be a feminist? I thought they were all about going au naturale” or my personal favorite “Oh…you hate men now?”
So I stopped trying to talk about it. I would grumble to friends who I knew felt similarly and be frustrated under my breath every time I would see a Facebook post that talked about how women could be assertive and efficient without having to go all the way to the dreaded feminist side. Because apparently all feminists are extreme misandrists (who hate men), don’t believe in bras and can’t actually be good for anything in society except getting up on our soap boxes at rallies (thank you media portrayal) because all we care about is the promotion of the female gender over the dreaded patriarchy. Except that I realized that all that I am doing by stopping myself from talking about it when the spirit is leading conversations, is hiding away from the ridicule for believing a thing that many don’t fully understand. My frustration at not wanting to be lumped with the so-called Feminazi (I hate that word) left me doing my own sort of “but I’m not a feminist or anything”, and rather than doing what I could to change the experiences that those around me have had with feminists…I hid. I avoided. I bit my tongue.
I definitely went to school with some girls who fit the stereotypical feminist extremist mold, but I think we are grossly underestimating the true message of feminism when we assume that all feminists look like that cookie cutter description. Miriam-Webster defines Feminism as “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes”. Not promoting women far above men, or trying to say that all gender roles are wrong (though gender roles in society is a very interesting discussion that I’d be glad to have another time) or that men are evil. Just political, social and economic equality. Please tell me what is extreme about that? What about that aspiration should criminalized to the point that women can say they want that very thing, and feel the need to add “but I mean, I’m not a feminist or anything” at the end.
America has it better than many of the countries in the world as far as treatment of women. But just because we are better than places that still accept dowries for women, or that create an extreme submissive role for wives and children, or that limit the amount of property and equity that women can legally own, does not mean that we are where we need to be as a country. It doesn’t mean that we are where we need to be as a church.
We need to wrestle with the differences in societal constructs from the churches Paul wrote to when he said that women shouldn’t speak in church to that of our own society. We need to delve into what it means to have our husbands and fathers as our spiritual leaders, to choose to see the authority placed on them while still recognizing that we are not required to try to be meek and submissive. We need to start telling the stories of Deborah, Anna, Abigail, Tabitha, Priscilla, Eunice and Lois, the daughters of Zelophehad, Jael (and so many others) and cut down on the messages revolving solely around Proverbs 31 and the idea that it outlines the exclusive definition of biblical womanhood.
We need to address the issues that bubble to the surface when men who are faithful to their church say they can’t sit under the pastoral leadership of a woman. We need to encourage girls to embrace themselves and to stop trying to make themselves feel less inadequate by tearing other girls down. We need to see past the idea the that men are not manly if they are not authoritative and aggressive. We need to stop telling boys that men don’t cry and can’t be real and vulnerable. We as women need to stop accusing the men in our lives of being weak when they have the courage to admit that they aren’t necessarily always the “macho” man we try to see them as.
We need to realize as a whole that to really love and live like Jesus, to live whole heartedly, means that we cannot be constantly finding ways that others don’t measure up to standards we set, while knowing deep down that we don’t really measure up either. There will always be days where we are not smart enough, kind enough, pretty enough, driven enough, rich enough, talented enough, patient enough, gentle enough, respected enough. And we cannot make ourselves any more of those things by attempting to draw attention to the ways that others fall short too.
We cannot keep putting people in boxes that are far too small and tell them that anything that does not fit must be cut up or shrunk down, at the risk of not being masculine or feminine enough. We cannot keep putting God in a box that is far too small to explore the idea that he could be passionate about political, economic and social equality too. That he could love the men and women he created flaws and all, and that he could have created them to do things that sometimes defy the expected and surpass what others see as normal.
He Delights in Me 